As girls, we strive to find the perfect guy. The one who's attractive, sensitive, funny, kind, loving, honest and easy to talk to. I found him. He's been right under my nose for years, but he was taken and if I'm honest, I never saw the attraction. He was someone I vaguely knew. When I was in the play in November I started spending a lot of time hanging around with my friend Tommy, and therefore Sam. Soon after, Sam and his girlfriend split and, as a friend I was there for him. It was a few weeks after that I realised I was developing feelings for him. We got closer and closer. We were texting each-other every day, all day, and meeting up at every given opportunity. His texts were so sweet, him telling me he wanted my company, though I'd seen him half an hour previously.
Then came a day when he wanted me to tell him how I felt, so he asked me straight out. I told him I had feelings for him, and he explained he was still not over his ex, and though he knew he felt things for me that he didnt for his friends, he didnt want to give me hope and didnt think we would be together any time soon. He was so sweet and honest about it, and really just wanted to make things more comfortable for me.
A couple of days later was supposed to be his band's gig, but it got cancelled and we ended up at his house. Me, Sam, Tommy, Sam's sister Katie, Nick and James. Before we started drinking, Sam and I however shared a kiss. It confused me slightly, but I was aware of the mix of feelings. Then we got drunk, and over the course of the night had a few more kisses. It was so nice to know his feelings were developing. Toward the end of the night, when the alcohol started to wear off, Sam took me aside and told me he was sorry. yes, he had feelings for me, but until he was sure, we couldnt be together because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me. This was all fair enough, and we all went to sleep. Next morning was a tad awkward, but we were still incredibly close.
A week later was Valentines Day, and I had arranged to meet James, Sam's best friend, as friends. I met him that morning, and we decided we would make a picnic for Sam. We had an awesome day, and Sam... well. I dont think he enjoyed the picnic as we'd hoped. But, it was February and freezing. Nevertheless, we had lots of fun before going to Sam's house to keep warm. Then we all decided we'd have a bit of a Non-Valentines Night. So, me, Sam, James and Kate bought some alcohol and were playing drinking games. Again, Sam and I got together. That night I fell asleep wrapped in his arms in his bed, and woke to him smiling and kissing me. Sober. :D We had a few more smooches before everyone woke up and I went home that afternoon. Sam text me later that day, but I was playing hard to get, and blanked him for a while. He found it impossible. His only way of not texting me was to sleep all day, which, me having deprived him of sleep he found easy.
Then Sam and I went back to texting each-other all day every day. Buut we hit a problem; James, Sam's bisexual best friend, confessed that he was in love with me. This made it incredibly awkward for me and Sam. We spoke about it and Sam asked if I had feelings for James, which I got annoyed at. He should have known where my feelings lay. The texts became less and less over the coming weeks. Then Sam started avoiding me completely. This hurt. This was also around the time I found out about my Step-Nan.
Last Tuesday however I got dropped off down the road from Sams and decided to pop over and sort things. By this point I had realised we'd never be together, and I just wanted to sort a way we could be truly friends. The way we had been originally. Sam agreed he'd handled it badly, and that instead of cutting me entirely he should accept me as a friend instead of a potential partner. I left him alone for a couple of days, and then I text him to say Hello. He didnt reply. So, I left it a few hours and tried to call him. He answered, asked how I was and then hung up on me.
It was then I realised, I couldnt face trying any more. He was avoiding me, getting in touch every couple of weeks to see if I was OK. I couldnt do that. Because, I really have feelings for him. Not petty little fancying, but deep feelings. I dont abuse the word love in the accurate sense. I'm not in love with Sam... but I was certainly heading that way. So, I decided to cut him from ym life entirely. I deleted all his messages, and his number, his MSN, removed him on Facebook... If I could have done, I'd have deleted all the memories of him, because it hurts to be without him.
Now it's been 5 days without any contact with him.
And 5 days without sleeping.
I lay there, trying to sleep, and my mind just wont let me. I just keep thinking of him. Thinking of us. It's tearing me apart. Guys recently have told me they like me, told me they want to be with me, and my thoughts are always the same... that's nice, but I dont want anyone but Sam.
Yet he's been such a twat these past few weeks.
I abandoned my entry Thursday, because Sam walked into the room. he completely blanked me. Then Friday night, I was at a party and my phone rang, it was Sam's friend Ralph initing me out with them all. I declined the invitation. Then I got another call, this time from James' phone, and it was Laura, Sam's ex, telling me Sam wanted to see me, and it sounded like I really liked him. I should go meet them. Again, I declined, and felt angry that Laura had the cheek to ring me.
I text Sam the next day, saying sure, things hadnt worked out between us, but that it wasnt fair for he and his friends to keep getting in touch and aggrivating things. Sam said it wasnt him, and he still cares enough to try and stop them.
Oddly, this gives me a little hope. I stopped dreaming of a relationship ages ago now, but, if he cares, it cant be hard to resurrect our friendship.