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02 June 2009 @ 09:24 am
He loves me, He loves me not...  
Dan and I broke up three weeks ago. Then we met up as friends and had a ridiculously mixed up night. Then he said he didn't wish to talk. Then I had a pregnancy scare, which he said he'd be around for. He wasn't. Instead he bullied me. Then he came round, apologised and said he missed me. We had a 'last kiss.' Then he came round on the Saturday to take the test with me, and it was negative. I said "You know what's funny... I'm happy with that result..." and he responded with "But you know one day we'll be twice as happy with the opposite one?" and it was magical, because it's what I'd been feeling. Then we slept together. Then I found out he'd been seeing someone. Then he came to see me. Told me he was seeing yet another girl. But he also still said he dreamed of one day us being together again. He said he was over me. On the Saturday, I gave him back all the stuff to do with us, the presents, letters, clothes, pictures... I asked him to look after them. He was devastated and said he didnt want to talk to me again. Now, he still wont talk to me. And, he's been flicking from love to hate for weeks, and all I've done is tried to be understanding, tried to be his friend. I reckon maybe he finds it easier to move on this way. Or, he doesnt feel the guilt. Or remember what he's lost.

None of it makes sense. We were SO happy. I've text after text where he's telling me he's the happiest he's ever been, telling me he's the happiest guy in the world and that every day he thanks his lucky stars that he's the guy for me.

I shan't be contacting him again. So sick of him pushing me away. I plan on going back to Brighton in a few weeks. To me, that's where the true love began. He was my everything.

I'm moving on though, living life. And, I'm meeting up with my ex, Matt in a minute. Which is weird. We saw eachother last night, for the first time in over a year. It didnt feel weird in the slightest. We ended the night with a soft peck on the lips. :D But, this isnt how I'm moving on. For the first time, really in my life, I'm happy to exist simply as me. I dont need to surround myself with people. I've found out I'm pretty good company.

So why can't I stop dreaming of 'one day'?
Or asking myself...He loves me? He loves me not?
xxx
 
 
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